A little Laugh for a Wednesday morning.

Messy & Complicated.

You know what I am not a fan of? I am not a fan of Messiness...... Unjustified Messiness!

No, for once I am not talking about cleanliness. I am talking the mess people make of situations. I am talking taking a simple situation, and turning it into something unrecognizable and mind boggling!  Instead of making things right and 'JUST', things get all messy...then once the situation is  "messy" it becomes complicated and hard to figure out their head from their ass.... like, who is really to blame, what makes most sense, or my current mentality...... WHAT THE FUCK!

Now, once messiness, complications and W.T.F (side note, grammar correction doesn't recognize WTF but it recognizes it with periods. i find that slightly comical.) anyways, once messiness, complications and W.T.F  occurs its hard to decipher whats even going on anymore..whats the battle about..... the "situation" becomes blurred and you are left wondering what the hell happened, and what it all happened for and why.... why the hell.

I know you are all probably wondering what "situation" I am talking about i would like to enlighten you... but, unfortunately I cannot reveal that information as of right now...

But believe me, when i can let this "cat" (more like lion or grizzly bear whichever is scarier to you) out of the bag, you better believe I will be ranting my "little" fanny off.... if not doing more than just ranting.

You know the saying "don't poke a sleeping bear?'" or "don't poke a mama bear?"
Well this "mama (or in this case 'wife') " bear has been poked....and poked hard..... survival instinct is kicking in and a shit storm is about it ensue.

Right now everything in life seems to be just sliding down like a mudslide..... I keep trying to keep my eyes forward and focus on the positives, but it seems like just as i get positive something else happens and  rolls me down the hill hitting some rocks and sticks along the way......

Seems like we just cant win lately.... and i know there are people that have it way harder and have different things going on in their life, and everybody has something... but right now i am "woe is me'ing' (because i can, its my blog.... you dont like it, take a hike.) And as hard as we are "fighting" im left wondering, why are we even fighting, is it even worth it? I mean we are alive, we are happy as our little family, but the other part of me wants to make this persons life a living hell.

Focus on the positives AL..... focus.

Positives:
Brian passed the first portion of his flight instructor test.
Brian graduates with his associates next week.
Slades soaring through school.
BMX racing starts next month.
Im losing my weight and gaining confidence.
We have food. we have a roof. we have love. we have life.

But im still left wanting more. I guess as the popular saying goes.......

"Just Keep Swimming."

Easter

Hey Guys,

 Here are some pictures from our Easter :)

Finding bunny tracks and eggs

darn bunny pooped jelly beans and left tracks

getting ready to find eggs and their baskets

easter egg hidden

pooped on the couch ;)

slade found his gift

kendal found her gift

everyone was so excited

one of slades favorites

good easter! 

You know the saying.......

"If you don't have anything nice to say, Don't say anything at all."

So that is what I am doing.

I'm taking a Facebook break. I'm a bit of a "Debbie downer" as of late, So instead of constantly complaining of whats going on in my life, or reading other peoples drama and getting infuriated with stupid crap that doesn't affect me in the slightest, I decided the best solution was to stay away from it all. I was going to deactivate my account all together until i decided to come back, but with my photography page being linked to my account, i couldn't do that without shutting off my photography page  so that kind of ruined my plans.

I have friends across the world so i decided that shutting myself off from all outlets probably wasn't a good idea; plus writing clears my head and  After all, the long distance friends are the ones whom keep in contact with me most, so keeping my blog up was what i decided i should do.

I think i had gotten lost in the world of Facebook. Constantly checking to see updates or if i had new notifications. It all got tiresome. Facebook isn't real life, its not real friendship, its just a way of staying "in touch" but what about keeping in touch with REAL life. If you are anything like me, your phone is in your back pocket, you have your app downloaded, and any free time you spend sucking up the stupid internet. even if its in short increments, it still adds up.

"i wonder how many people will "like" this picture of my coffee cup on my lap early this morning". " i wonder how many people will comment on my rough morning"... oh pitty me....... see,  i have nothing nice to say. ZIP, LOCK IT, PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET! (as my 6 year old would say).

 I have to be the best support system for my family right now and getting caught up in non-sense was stopping that from happening.

Brian has a very important "life altering" check ride coming up this week. He is cramming all this knowledge into his head and he is away from home 90% of the time, and if he is "home" hes not really with us.... His head is going 90 miles an hour....... If all goes accordingly he will be a flight instructor come next semester. That is a HUGE accomplishment! Not to mention he is still in classes, still taking helicopter lessons, and still has 2 jobs. PLUS he is getting ready for graduation, then starting on his bachelors come fall semester. HUGE.... BUSY....LIFE ALTERING.... OH and STRESSFUL.

The kids only have me (Metaphorically not literally) and i need to be there for them 100% mentally and physically.

 Right now Keni is home with the flu....  I have grocery shopping to do, errands to run, a house to clean and not enough hands. I can't do grocery shopping even though i need to, because i cannot take a sick kid to the store.We Couldnt ride bikes to school like slade wanted because keni didnt have the energy to sustain a bike ride. So not only did i have to deal with hurt feelings, i had to deal with "keni always getting her way". A 6 year old can't really comprehend that a bike ride takes the backseat to a sick kid, and i wasn't favoring one over the other, i was simply trying to be practical and save myself some patience. But who understands that? not him.

My day dream of the bike ride to school went a little like this..... Envision with me..... "kendal with flush cheeks and her feet scuffing the ground with every step and a whining "i dont waaaaant toooooo". Sladen running to his bike yelling with his teeth still together KENDAL HURRY UP AND STOP WHINING!!! Me reaching as high as i can all the while telling them to be nice to eachother, using all my arm strength to get all 3 of our bikes down from the ceiling of the garage. Once down i would have to helmet ken because she wouldnt have enough energy or want. Coax her into getting on her bike and telling her to "move it along" because she would be moving to slow. Half way to school i envisioned a crying (perhaps throwing up) ken, a pissed off slade because we we're going to slow and going to be late, then me frazzled as all heck, trying to get him to school to accommodate his "bike desires". just to get to school to turn around and do that all the way back home.

Doesnt driving just sound easier? Thats what i thought.

So now we are home, and i have a buttload of stuff to get done. Keni is crashed on her bed with frozen playing on the tv and a trash can next to her bed. So in between "spells" i should get what i can accomplished.

I will be back again soon.

Slightly Obsessive?!

Okay so, I always get questions on how i stay current on all my housework. I am far from perfect, I would just like to point that out here in the beginning! plus, your house is only as clean as you want it to be or as clean as you have the time for I should say!!!

I know a few people who have scheduled cleaning days, or on certain days they clean certain things. That works for them, but Thats not how i do things.

Every single day I Vacuum,  Sweep, Do dishes, Wipe counters and do laundry... (on all 3 levels)  Every day,  and most days twice a day. I also have to "make" the couches in the basement. (they have tons of pillows that need to be straight and they each have blankets that cover scratches and stains that cannot have wrinkles.)


Mondays and fridays seem to be my DEEP DEEP cleaning day. Which on those days I mop/steam every mop-able floor, scrub all toilets, sinks, tubs. I put away all laundry in laundry room, i Windex every available windexable surface/mirror/windows. I vacuum the stairs, dust all tables/staircase ledges.

About twice a month or whenever i see fit i degrease my cupboard doors and fridge..... with little kids this is a necessary thing! I also wipe down my walls..... again, with little dirty fingers on flat painted walls, it gets nasty really quickly . I also scrub door handles and light switches.

When  i see something that needs to be done, i just do it. Nothing is set in stone on when i clean and what i clean. its how i see fit....I cannot sit and look at dirt, grime and or nastiness.

Sometimes i see it as a problem and often it gets "viewed" as overly anal, and i feel bad for my kids because i am constantly walking behind them cleaning up their parking lots of hotwheels and trails of toys... I try to delay the "picking up" behind them as long as i can, but its never "long enough" for them.

I clean while im in the shower, i clean while the kids bathe, i clean while i do pretty much everything.

Heres where i am imperfect. My closet. Now... i do not hang my clothes. I fold them, but they eventually end up in piles on the bottom of my closet floor. i do know where everything is, but its not tidy, not even close... but those doors are closeable and noone sees it.  THis drives brian bonkers, but again.... i am not perfect!

My second imperfection is i have a junk cupboard and stacks of papers on the fridge. is it borderline hoarding... nah. But its one of my "quirks".

If i cannot clean up the poptart crumbs off the table before i head to drop the kids off for school in the morning, i close all the curtains in the house so any "passerbys" cannot see the messy situation that awaits my arrival back home.

Nothing is left out for very long... i was just raised that way. I cannot handle messiness. Drives me crazy. absolutely crazy.

So i guess thats just how i run my house.......

"Spanx" You!

Spanx... my security blanket..... similar to linus on charlie brown, i do not go far without my spanx, as linus doesnt go to far without his blanket.

If you know me well enough, you know that my body self esteem is a lack there of! The one thing that makes me self confident in clothes, is my beloved spanx. 

If you know me well enough, you know that i have struggled with weight basically my whole life. Big bones i always say..... I got the Wrong "genes" in the family. I eat a single potato chip and feel my ass cheeks grow.... But i work with what i got.... A big ass and a nice rack. (yep i said it).

However, if you know me well enough, you know that i have been eating clean and healthy these last few weeks. My stubborn fat is melting away and i have become alot more comfortable with leaving my spanx on the bathroom floor.....

Jean sizes are going down, fat handles are getting smaller. Shoot, i even can feel my ribs when i lay down..... and it is putting a gigantic smile on my face... why?! because i love who i am and what i look like.

Even at my smallest i havent been 100% comfortable, but spanx gave me that comfort, until now. I love me, and my body. However imperfect it shall be.

I am learning to love my body. Sounds cheesy, i know this. But its true. Someone i love very much pointed out my confidence level........ When i was in high school i knew i was cute. I knew i had a somewhat cute body, and i "flaunted" my best parts. somewhere along the way, i lost the confidence that made me who i was. Whether it be because of sudden weight gain, or stretch marks....... that confidence flew away in the wind. stuck in a tree like an old kite on easter morning. 

Comparing yourself to other people isnt fair to yourself. Take your best parts and focus on that!

Regaining my self confidence has been quite the process. However fast i lost it (my confidence), its coming back just as fast. I may not be the "perfect" crayon in the box, but i am me, and damn, that is just enough. 

I always have my hair looking "decent".... almost always have makeup on and decent clothes. I sure am cute.... why yes, im damn cute as i shoot a smile to myself in the mirror.

Personality says alot about a person, but a stranger cant see your personality, they see the way you carry yourself. If you arent carrying yourself the way you want to be seen then why even try? You know what i am talking about...... If you love yourself, others will too. 

Take for example. The mom who wears a sweatshirt 2 sizes too small, hair all messy, yoga pants and slippers to walk their kids into school, or better yet PICKING them up, what does that say to you about them? that they are a busy mom? yes. But is that showing their kids anything? take care of yourself, and your kids will do the same. Run yourself down, and well, your kids will do the same.

Im not saying full makeup and stilettos are what you should pick/drop off your kid in, but take care of yourself. comb your hair, put mascara on.... flaunt yourself :)

Also, if you know me well enough you know i am not being harsh or judgmental. I do not think i am better than anyone.... Im just pointing out a few things that i have learned.

So Take the things you like most about yourself, and start to LOVE them. flaunt where you can. 

I may not be a size zero, but i can rock these jeans and boots. Even if you dont look PERFECT, if you LOVE The way you look, you will look THAT much better! 

Now i know i am not anyone who is important or worth giving advice, but i do know a few things and if i can help myself regain my confidence, just maybe i can shed a little bit of light to someone who needs it as well. 

Mike, Mike mike mike, What day is it?!?!

HUMP DAY!
Well hello YOU!

Well today is Wednesday..... My absolute favorite day of the week. "Why?!" you may ask? well because its at home date night of course!

This whole "dating" experience is quite invigorating! Now since I am the one who stays home and "keeps the house" I plan these date nights so he can just enjoy and look forward to it. I have a whole list of at home dates prepared........

Last week i went out and individually picked out a 6 pack of beers. Now, he likes LIGHT beer and i like DARK and REDS so we had to meet somewhere in the middle. The whole process was so much fun for me. I went to our favorite liquor store ... wait for it.... SHOUT OUT to the BEVERAGE company... any who's it..... as I was standing there staring as if the beer was just going to jump into my hand, I asked the great lady whom is always working..... "what type of beer would you recommend? " she replies with " what type do you normally like?" i say..." well he is strictly LIGHT, no compromise, and well i like to taste just about everything , but i gravitate to darker, malted beer".....

She takes a glance at the beers in my arms with her arms tightly crossed,  she then loosens them and waves them towards me gasping as she grabs at the beer...... " OH HONEY, YOU DONT WANT TO SCARE HIM!" and she takes 2 of the beers away and starts just making grumbling noises as she fidgets and sorts through the cooler grabbing out of the "perfect choices". Shew! Thank you kind lady, i dont really want to scare my husband into liking other beer.... please dont let him cheat on ole buddy!

So i proceed to pay for her choices....... and with a smile on my face I say "thank you, you helped alot".... she waves a kind wave as she pushes her glasses that are on a beaded neck chain from the tip of her nose to the bridge "good luck honey and have fun!" ...... "oh i sure will!"

 i love people who try to get to know you!

Once home, brian finishes watching a movie with the kids while i prepare the date. I put white paper over the labels of the beer so that even i wont know which is which then i numbered them. I even tried not to read the labels so that it was pretty much a surprise for me as well. Once labeled I numbered them and set them on our living room tray. I cut up some meat and cheeses and put crackers out..... I stoked the electric fire (it was a bitchin' fire)...... and waited on the couch until the kids were all tucked in from their daddy. Finally.......

Once he sat down, it was like "well hello stranger, glad to see you"..... we just started chatting about our day and gradually started trying them out...... Now i try to commit, and not give up, but WOAH some of those beers were FAR from delicious..... One tasted like i put a nozzle into a pine tree and let the sap drip into my glass...... Fricker, that was disappointing because the label looked tasty!

I guess what i am trying to say is that even when it is the simplest display or "date".... you can make it fun. It doesnt have to be elaborate or expensive, it just has to have love in it and it will be fun!

Date nights are my favorite night of the week..... gives something to look forward  to, even if we are just staying home, it gives you something more than the daily routine to connect.

Tonights date is going to be fun............ You'll have to read about it sometime.

Nothing is perfect, you just have to keep trying!

Recently I have stumbled upon something that shook up my life, my world. And i want to share it with you, because i feel like i lost sight of whats most important and now that i figured it out, maybe other people need some insight, and if my words can help, i will put them out there. im putting myself out there.

Sometimes when we are so comfortable and know something is for certain, and  you know deep down nothing will ever change that, you decide that it is okay to set it on the back burner because you will ALWAYS have it when you NEED it, other things need attention far more than a relationship (your first thought, but let me tell you, it is not the correct thought).Auto pilot switch gets put on and you plug along.

That thought of  "i can fix it tomorrow......" FIX IT TODAY! 

Kids get sick, homework needs done, dog barfs on carpet, guinea pig eats sons favorite coloring page, dughters toothbrush falls in the toilet and her world has just ended. Floor needs mopped again, laundry is never ending, work needs you in early, dinner needs to be finished... heaven forbid you didnt wash that blue shirt.... you get it, the list never ends, and you lose focus. you lose patience, and you lose yourself. 

you turn yourself so far inside that you have nowhere to turn.

Then one day you look up..... and what you thought was there, is no longer the same. That warm smile you once sought is now a frown. Those warm hands are no longer warm. Your eyes get opened, and you learn that you need to do what it takes to make what you love most in life, top priority. 

When you have  kids, a job, a husband in school full time with multiple jobs plus the military, and bills to pay. You have school events, house to clean and dinner to cook, your focus gets set on other things. After a long day you barely have the energy to pull the blankets up to your chin at night, let alone try to have a conversation (or more) with your "person". PLEASE DONT EVER FORGET THAT CONVERSATION! 

Before kids, your focus is solely on your "person". Greeting them when they get home, focusing on all their hard work and triumphs, giving kudos when needed and appreciated. You are by their side everywhere they go. You take the time to give your all because they are the only other person to give it to.... Until you have kids. Then you struggle with who to greet first, who to hug first, who will be your focus first. Whos needs are more important? Don't ever question it, that "person" was first, and that "person" will be there for you when those kids grow up and leave you. That person needs your attention... not only does that person NEED it, they DESERVE it. and YOU deserve to be the one to give it to them.

When you are a mother, your instinct is to show your kids all your love, and attention. You devote every waking moment to those little human beings. But why do we forget about the person who helped create them? Why do they get put last? Or better question, why do YOU get put last? Why compromise your own happiness? Please dont let that happen. Putting your "person" first (and yourself), shows your children a strong relationship, it gives them something to aspire to, it gives them comfort, dont forget that, not for one second. 

Dont forget how important that person is to you.
Dont push them aside or make them fight for your attention. It isnt fair to anyone. Not you, not them, and not your kids.

Dont let those butterflies fly away. Take the time you need and deserve with your person. Tell them how proud you are of them, dont just assume they know, MAKE IT FELT! remember when you used to see something in a store that made you think of your "boyfriend/girlfriend" and you bought it just to surprise them and put a smile on their face?  or you felt the urge to swat their butt or kiss their forhead? or hug them from behind when they were too cute while doing the dishes or cooking dinner? well dont stop! never stop!

 Words are comforting, and you need to use them.

 Hug them the way you did when it was just the two of you. 

Kiss them passionately.

Tell them how proud you are of them! 

 Take time to talk about your days.  

Make your relationship FIRST. 

Make your relationship COUNT.

When i finally looked up from my busy life stupor, the one person i needed most, i had pushed aside like an old teddy bear. That teddy that you took every where and slept with every night, until more important things came along and you out grew it; but you still kept it tucked away because you knew you needed it in some way shape or form, someday that teddy would await you with open arms.... Until it doesn't. 

Talk about eye opening!!! 

Dont make your person compete for your attention.

No relationship is perfect. Not a single one. Its not supposed to be. 

Its also not supposed to be easy.

Its not supposed to be put on the back burner or auto pilot.
Its supposed to be work, and worth every ounce of it.

A relationship is meant to have its ups and downs. Its supposed to teach you, and let you grow together, but the key is TOGETHER....so let it. Treat it the way you did when you first started dating.

I am speaking for myself when i say that i thought i was being a horrible mother if i asked someone to watch the kids for a night or a few hours so that way my husband and I could have some time together. Who gives their kids away?! i would always think to myself. Boy was i wrong!! give those kids away for a few hours, or even a night or 2. ITs not only helping you and your relationship, but it lets your children have a bond with someone other than their mommy and daddy. You have a support system for a reason....  USE IT! 

There are people there to greet your kids with open arms so that you can nurture what is truly most important in your life. but the only other person to do that for you, is YOU. Yes, your partner is whats MOST important. May sound selfish, or harsh, but it is the truth! 

Love your person as much as you can! show them how much they mean to you. Tell them you love them everyday because love is much more than just a feeling, its a process. 

Keep your eyes open, and dont look down. Look forward! 

Make the necessary changes before its too late or before you pushed too hard.

Its so easy to point fingers, and place the blame on one another for who is putting in less effort or who messed things up, but regardless how the ball dropped, it dropped! so pick it back up! please dont place blame, because even if you werent the one who dropped the ball, you let it fall, so its your fault as well.

I am thankful that my eyes were opened. I am thankful for my amazing husband and my relationship, as imperfect as it may be, i am still proud of where we are, and how long we have stood together through everything thrown our way. I am confident and excited for the future. we will be those old people we smile at while passing.............

"clear eyes, full hearts, cant lose!"