Reflections

Some mornings when i am so cozy, comfy, warm, and still tired in my bed, and I hear that little grunt over the baby monitor at 5 am or i hear my door knob turn in a complete circle, i think to myself "oh how I miss the days of not having kids, and sleeping in". That thought lasts about 5 minutes until you get them downstairs and situated, and you watch them play, then that thought goes away. You now realize why you are a mother. Being a mother is full of questions and wonderings. I question myself alot of the times. My children are the biggest blessings in my life, but till this day I always think of what i would have become if we would have waited to make our family. Whether the circumstances, we made our family, for the right reasons at the time god wanted us too, and i wouldnt change a thing, but it still makes you wonder.Would i be graduated from college by now? Would i be in the career I hoped and dreamed for? Where would I be living? Would brian and I survived  our relationship? What would I be doing on my down time? I dont think you ever stop wondering. Being a mother has prepared me for challenges in my life and I know "pre-children" days i wouldnt be as creative with challenges put in front of me. I wouldnt be as responsible and sensible. I would probably be going out drinking at the bar as much as alot of people i graduated with. But would I rather be doing that then reading bedtime stories to my children? absolutely NOT. Im proud that my children have made me that way, but sometimes little thoughts creep in and it just makes you wonder. I know I am not alone.

Im very thankful and blessed to have those little human beings so full of spunk and Life, sitting right in front of me. They teach me everyday what it is to be thankful for what I have, and to take each day in stride as it comes along.And we teach them what its like to grow and live in a life where there is no greater love. No two days are the same. Each day has a new twist and turn, and im always on my toes. What's going to happen next? No-one knows!

Somedays are harder than you can bare. Somedays you want to lock yourself in a closet and leave them to fend for themselves. Of course you dont, but you just WANT to. Or when daddy walks through the door you're saved for the evening, " dun-da-dun dun, daddy to the rescue". What i wouldnt do to ALWAYS have brian at my side. What an amazing man. Of course I can't always have him at my side, but I will ALWAYS have him in my life. We are linked with two amazing children who deserve to have their parents involved, engaged in their everyday life, and together. We are in this together, as scary as it may seem at times to be a parent, how much pressure it is to be the "perfect wife", and how trying it is to run the household, we do it, because we have no choice but to put a smile on our faces and plug along, for those children who know no different. You're their rock. You're their guide, you just do it.

You are going to read me write about brian's deployment frequently now. and quite  frankly, if you don't like it, don't read it. Please if you are going to comment, don't write anything about his deployment that is going to make me upset. This is our life right now, it is a reality that we have to face EVERY day until he leaves. Nothing is worse than a rain cloud hanging above our heads. If you have never been away from your husband, boyfriend, or loved one for more than a month strait, you have no idea what it truely feels like to say "see you in 7 months!" (or longer, or even shorter) You don't always know where they are. You don't always get to talk to them, hug them, see them, touch their flesh. You can't. You get letters, emails, and very infrequent phone calls. The initial shock goes away, and the heartache, but the worrying doesn't. I have yet to go through a deployment, but i did go through 5 months of not being with him through boot camp and training for the guard. They grow while they are away and so do you. So you have to find a balance where you grow together. No resentment as they get to see the world and you are home with the kids with never a day off. We are in this together!!! Its scary to think about. It's worrisome. It puts unwanted thoughts into our brains. But you just have to have faith. And look forward to the homecoming.

I heard someone say to me onetime that they think the wives that go home to stay with their family while their husbands are away on deployment are weak. I just want to know how that makes a person weak? They are living the deployment EVERYDAY the same as the other wives, just in the company of family. Its a choice, not a weakness. If I could move home for those 7 months to be around loved ones, you bet your ass I would. But all of our things are here. I have 2 kids and no place to stay in MIchigan for 7 months without putting anyone out, or invading anyones space, so we have no choice but to remain here and just go home to visit. But in no way shape or form would it make a woman weak, if anything its courageous to travel that far with their children while their husband is away, and dealing with their deployment in their own way. No shame in that!

Brian is my best friend. He's my rock. I tell him EVERYTHING. And to not have him accessible to me when i NEED him, is hard to think about. I know i am strong enough, i know i can do it, still doesnt change the fact that it is hard to think about. until that day comes where i wave to him as his ship pulls away and I watch my son cry because his daddy is leaving him all while trying to keep a smile on my face re-assuring him that everything is going to be okay and daddy is just going to work, breaks my heart already. Brian has a strong bond with his kids. they are his world as he is theirs. It brings me to tears to think about him not in their everyday life. Its our reality but its just hard to face. If it wasnt hard to face then i would say there was something wrong there!

That is all for now. I hope everyone has a great day.