Finding Myself.

Lately I havent been very motivated. I have been very lazy, and its almost embarrassing. Not almost-- Completely embarrassing. I am doing things that arent inside my character at all. For instance, leaving messes until i feel like getting to them, later that day, or even the next day! Not doing dishes until they stack up. Not mopping the floors weekly, not doing any weekly or daily chores. Its very embarrasing when people just stop by... because my house isnt presentable. I have never been like that, Nor do i want to be like that. I always have floors mopped, and vacuumed. Dishes are done and put away. Toilets are clean, showers are clean, everything tidied up...So why am i not doing that anymore?... I Dont feel like myself, and I feel a bit lost. I havent even been doing my make-up or caring what i wear. But Today while i forced myself to mop the floors on my hands and knees, I came to the realization that over the process of caring for the kids and brian during deployment, i have lost who i am, and Instead of trying to figure it out and make myself do things, I have just let go on my duties and taking care of myself, and focused more on the kids. They are always dressed. they are always clean. They have food and their needs are met, but why arent mine? Why am I letting myself go and what i take pride most in (my house) when that should be  what is most important?

Trying to figure out who to be or who you are without your other half is not easy. I find myself not having anyone to impress so why even care? Why have the house clean because there isnt anyone to come home to see it?! That isnt how my brain functions on a normal every day basis, so why am i letting it over power me?  Why am I letting laziness and moppiness get the best of me? I need my old self back, and i realized that its not just going to miraculously find me once brian gets home, I need to remain that person so I dont fall behind and become someone I am not. I need to take hold of who i used to be.

I will be the first to admit im not the same as i was before he left. I try to be, but Im not. I let him being gone get the best of me, but Im done with that. I need to move on in my brain and not focus on him not being around to impress. I need to impress myself...and do things to make myself proud.  I have let the stress go. I have let the anger go. I have let the insecurities and mindlessness go, because that is what is best. I need to focus on who I am and not worry about who i am becoming. This is not me. This lazy person is not me. I need to grab ahold of who I really am and take it back because i didnt like what i was seeing. Im not a person who lets their house smell. I am not a person who doesnt do dishes at night. Im not a person who lets a ring be visible in the toilet bowl-- So why was I letting that "person" over come me? why was I not caring? WHo knows, but now i realize, now i am aware, so now things change back to how they used to be!

I know this might sound cheesy to some people reading this. But you have to remember, that this blog is for jotting down what is in my brain and letting people read it. Its not always going to make sense to everyone. But it makes sense to me so thats what matters.