When you have to sit at home all by yourself every evening while you kids are fast asleep, you find yourself doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. You find yourself looking at the big picture of what god has laid out, and what is in store to come next. You tend to over analyze, and re think every decision. Having free time to yourself is sometimes a burden, because if you are anything like me, that brain, NEVER shuts off. But sometimes, its for good reasons......
Today as I laid on the futon mattress strategically placed in front of the tv, listening to Kendal babbling away in her crib, awaiting that morning kiss and smile.... I just lay there, smiling myself, thinking about how far I have come since I have been by alone with the kids, in 4 and a half short months.... How much growth progress I have made, and Self confidence I have gained. How many hard times and struggles I have had to face head on, and how many life milestones I have seen without the eyes of Brian right next to me. I am proud of myself. I never thought that I couldn't do this, but there are always doubts. When brian is around, I am a very Dependent person. He fixes everything, and He is my GO TO person.....Without him here, you figure out other ways to do things and i have realized how to do things on my own. Although its been a hard, sweat, stress and tear- filled process, its been worth it. Way more than "worth it". I needed this for myself. We've needed it for our marriage. And the kids needed this to see me grow.
Before Brian left for deployment, we done everything as a family. Brian is my right hand man. He equally parents and manages our marriage. I couldn't have picked a better man. But he has always been for himself. He kept his hopes and dreams alive as mine fizzled and unraveled . Before he left we had sat down and talked where i poured out things to him that i had never admitted feeling, i always repressed them to stay strong and stand behind his decisions and be proud of him being so successful. But with me being behind him and pushing him to his goals, my goals and aspirations became a distant thought in my mind, and what was causing the main thought in my mind-- Im only going to be a mother and a wife. I wont have a career to make my children proud of me. What if Keni sees me as "just" a stay at home mom, with no career, serving the family and thats what she would inspire to be? why isnt that good enough for her, but its good enough for me? Brian told me at that point and time that he didnt know i felt that way, but after that conversation was over, i thought that was as far as it was going to go....
While he's been on deployment, he has been doing character building "classes" and "finding" himself. He has encouraged me to go go school, and gave up on his big dreams and settled for smaller, so that we BOTH can be successful, and happy. For him to do this, is huge. For him to think about both of us and not just his "big" picture that the future holds, is leaps and bounds. He is something else. I want to say that Brian is a great family man. His kids and I are his world, but his dreams are very important to him almost more important than family, im not saying that dreams shouldnt be that way, but they are called "dreams" for a reason. And for him to pick something more tangible than being a commercial pilot, so that i can reach my goal of becoming "something", makes me happier than ever to be standing by the husband I have.
So to move on to a different subject since most of you are probably on the verge of vomiting from me talking about my husband, I will change the topic to my amazing children!
When we moved out here, things were different. I was a control freak (as i still am but i will explain why things have changed a bit).... Sladen never had stayed over at someone elses house WITHOUT me before we moved here except maybe once or twice. But its been a weekly thing where he will stay with my parents or brians gram for a night. He thinks that this is the coolest thing since sliced bread and he feels like he is "something else" when i allow him to call them and ask to spend the night. He feels very independent and it has been great for the bonds he has formed with those individuals. As hard as it was at first to let my baby go, the smiles on all their faces when i arrive to pick him up the next day are amazing. To hear him describe in detail what he had done over the course of the previous day makes me beam with pride. I know he loves me, and he makes me know that by squeezing the life out of me, or shooting me that "thank" you smile when i greet him. I miss him like crazy when he is gone, and i am bored out of my mind, but it is good for him to have other figures in his life to rely on and bond with. The "man" time he gets with my dad takes the place of what brian can't do right now. I am thankful for the amazing support I have around me. With out it, i would have been a goner. the passed 4.5 months has given me so much to be thankful for, and see that there IS a reason this deployment is happening.
When brian left Keni had 4 teeth, working on 6. When he left she was just starting to become a pro at crawling. She also was still on baby food and bottles. Not pulling herself up yet or any of that! My how things have changed. She is going to be a different little girl when daddy lays eyes on her for the first time. I would say she was bald when he left and when he gets back she'll have hair, but then i would be lying. i guess there are some things that dont change!
So i guess what i was trying to write about in this blog was that as a family of 3 right now, we have grown. we have characteristics about ourselves that we didnt have before. We have a sense of independance and growth that we didnt have before. We have a new found love and NEED for Brian. When things get taken away from us, for just this short period of time, it makes us realize who and what we really need in our lives, and it gives us a new sense of appreciation for what we have, and for what we want.
I am thankful for this deployment. I look at it as it was needed. Brian and I had a strong relationship before he left. But we have a new sense of appreciation for eachother. As close to a bullet proof marriage as we can make it, i would say. He can look at me and be proud at the things i have acomplished, and I can do the same for him. I am proud of the man he is. I am proud of what he does for the Navy and for us. I am proud to be married to him for the REST of my life. And dammnit, I am proud of myself as well!
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