Wearing Thin

Hey everyone.

The passed two days, have been trying, a test of how strong I really am. I think  that i have been dealing with this deployment rather well. I have no choice in the matter so i just push forward, knowing that we are one day closer. However, i have heard from brian in an email, every day since he left 74 days ago. I haven't heard from him in 2 days and its been the hardest 2 days of deployment. We dont know how lucky we are with having communication until we no longer have it. We take the little things for granted. I can promise you, i will value and cherish every single word on every email I recieve from here on out.

Emails are my hugs. My kisses, My good nights. They are what let me know he is safe, and thinking about me and the kids as much as we are thinking about them. They relay are days. They put smiles on our faces, without them, you find yourself a little more emotional and a little more stressed. You find yourself checking your email more than double the normal. I know that i am fortunate that i hear from my husband daily, but it still doesnt matter, without any communication that void is there. that absence is truely felt. you have no link between the two of us. Its gut wrenching.

I have yet to feel that pain. that ache that goes deep into your heart. of missing your husband. of course i miss him but i know its only temporary. I have yet to feel "alone". but it hit me, last night, and even more so today. It hurts. I miss my best friend. I miss my husband. I know that this whining wont bring him home, and i realize this, but we wives that are going through this right now, or have gone through it in the past or will go through it in the future know what this feeling is really about.

So hug your husbands tight. Tell them how much you love them, take in every kiss you get, because there are some of us out there that dont get that, and miss that, and look forward to having that back again someday soon.

The BIG adventure!

Hello Readers!

Well over the passed week we have had quite a bit happen. Little Kendal Turned 1!!!! We celebrated, and We partied! We got to talk to daddy in the beginning of the week, and Big Brother started a new journey! So lets Jump RIGHT in!

Well little Kendal turning 1 was a bitter sweet day! Out of both of our kids, Brian has missed both first birthdays. You know you have that nostalgic memory session- like what you were doing at "this time" last year, and with both babies, i havent been able to share that nostalgic memory session. This time it got me really emotional. because Keni is our last one, and he never got to share that with us. I never got to discuss my nerves with him and my excitement, we only got to read emails back and forth showing our emotions and excitement. Yes I am thankful that i even got emails, but its not the same, yet its the sacrifice we chose. She didnt have a very special "day", but she did have a very special Party! It was decked out in Pink, black and white. She had treats galore! I tried to make it a very special day for a very special girl. She's an amazing little being and i was proud to put on such a party for her. She made out really well, she got lot of goodies and celebrated with VERY special people on HER day. Daddy was here with us in spirit, definetly!

I Baked for what it felt like years, but in actuality it was only a day. I made chocolate covered marshmellows in three different colors, also did rice crispy treats as well, and those went like hot cakes! I made a princess/zebra themed big cake, and a plain "kendal" cake for her smash cake, which went not the way i thought it would. She was very UN-impressed with the smashing idea, but she was also EXTREMELY tired. Right after the smashing she took a dip in the pool, got a diaper change, and the party girl was off to nap!  but the party continued and it was a great time!

This week slade started Vacation bible school! His teacher is my "aunt" julie. And i am ever so thankful of that. He was looking forward to going and learning, and i told him all of the perks of being at bible school. "you'll get to do crafts, play outside, have snack time with cookies, and sing LOTS of songs!" i prepped him for me not staying and he was cool with that.......UNTIL it was actually time for me to leave him there. But aunt julie came, sat with slade and started warming up to him. when it was time to go to "class" he just took off with her, and never looked back! Thats momma's big boy!!! When it was time to pick him up, he wasnt ready to leave! he is definetly looking forward to going back. Im so proud of him.

While in "craft time" they had to say to their class what they were blessed with (or something of that sort). Slade says this "for my mommy and my daddy, but my daddy is gone away on deployment right now". That tugged my heart strings. At 4 years old, he knows what is going on, yet he is proud that is daddy is away doing "special" work. he's a bight little boy, and he makes me so proud! Ive never seen such an accomplished smile on his face. It was great! "momma, i did it!".

Well i got all the paper work to fill out to move back in housing, which means that time is moving forward! and it will be the end of deployment soon enough. We have about a month left to reach "halfway", but never the less, it is moving forward and i am enjoying every step of it. I really truely Am. I enjoy the journey of growing together even though we are so far apart. Ive never felt closer to him, and that is an amazing feeling. We share everything in words, down to details of our days. His communication has improved vastly and i am ever so grateful. This may be a "tough" journey, but the destination is going to be great. We are headed in a wonderful direction, and I am ever so proud. My husband is one amazing man, and a terrific father. I couldnt have picked a better man, and yes, I picked HIM- he had no choice in the matter.....LOL!

We've had a busy month. We've had birthday parties, and fairs, we've celebrated with enough cake/cup cakes to last us a lifetime! as the month is coming to a close, i am looking forward to the not so hectic August. Im looking forward to the cooler weather, and fall approaching. Yes thats far ahead, but that is the only way to stay sane. Keeping my eyes forward and moving at lightening speed is the only way to do it.

Kids are growing at warp speed it feels like. but brian doesnt miss a second of it. I send him hundreds of pictures in his weekley packages, along with a bazillion videos, of growth and achievments. he doesnt miss a beat!


Alright, well that is all for now. I know it is a very quick review, but thats that in a nutshell! have a wonderful week everyone!

Time marches on!

Hi everyone! Its been a while since i have blogged, and there has been quite a bit of things happening here with the Houts family! So lets get Started!

First of all, Today we cross off on the calender the Last day of the 2nd month that Brian has been gone! Yes, Thats right, its been about 9 weeks, making it 2 full months! Time is "cruising" by, some days are better than others, but we are making the best out of our days, which is making time pass at a great speed! Some days are as slow as molasses, and some days are still hard to cope, but they are few and far between. I have a tremendous amount of support and spectators in our life, which is a great help. Some days while i am doing dishes, or cleaning the house, i realize that my once upon a time "thought" of what it would be like when brian deploys, is an actual reality. I smile, because I AM DOING THIS. This is my life, 24/7 and i am stronger than i ever anticipated, but it is harder than i anticipated also. The "thought" of being without you lover, bestfriend, and husband is a hard thought, but the actuality, and reality of them not in arms length away, or even a phone call away at that matter is a tough pill to swallow at times. But we are making it work, and it is working well. Through emails and sparse phone calls we are able to support eachother. Tell eachother how much we appreciate what the other is doing, and how proud we are of what the other is doing. The love is still there, even thicker and stronger than before. He is an amazing man, doing wonderful things for our family and our country. (mainly our family ;) ). I couldn't be prouder of him, we feel his love from miles away and that is very important!

The kids are holding up well, really well. We are 3 strong individuals. Slade is grasping time now, and realizing that the words "gone a long time", actually means, a REALLY long time! But he is doing great. He struggles at times, and says he misses his daddy more and more every day, but he never skips a beat by saying he knows that daddy misses him too and that he will be home as soon as he can. He takes comfort in knowing that daddy sleeps with his picture, just as slade sleeps with daddy's picture. He has his nightly routine at reading the letter daddy wrote especially for him, and we kiss his picture, say our nightly prayer to keep daddy safe while he is away, and he snuggles jo as tight as he can. Its very sweet. keeps daddy alive in the house and thats whats important. Sis has a book of daddy. she has it every day and kisses it, carries it around, and knows that, that is her daddy. Another very important tool.

Slade likes to look for houses on craigslist for possible "new" houses when we move back to Virginia beach. I like to keep him in the mix and for him to help me. he likes to be part of the process, and it helps him cope, and understand that daddy IS coming home, and we WILL be together in Virginia beach again! :)

Alright enough of that kind of talk!

So on the Kendal front. She is growing like a weed! She is 100% off of bottles and has been for about 2 weeks! Straight milk, no formula, and thats been for about a month! And of course she is woombie and mask free. she is saying more and more words, and standing freely. she isnt taking steps yet, nor growing hair, but i hope those are 2 things she starts doing soon! She is getting tooth 13 in! the passed 2 weeks she has popped 4 teeth through, and these last 2 are the hardest teeth yet. Poor little girl, but she is handling it like a champ! She's one strong willed woman, thats a good quality! She is doing really good with letting other people hold her, which is a good thing because she is HEFTY DUTY HEAVY!!! or as my mom would say....A beefstick! She is in 18-24 month clothes and growing rapidly. She is in a size 5 shoe! Can you believe it?!

She says a lot of words, and tells you like it is, whether you can understand her or not! she's a dancer! she's just pretty cool, thats all that i can say about her!

Slade is growing FAST now! He had a growth spurt and  I am happy to report that he is getting TALLER! he is finally growing out of most 3T clothes. Standing next to other kids he doesnt seem like such a shrimp. He's still small, but he's catching up! Its from all those vegetables he's eating!

Slade is saving money for a NOOK! when he eats all of his meals he gets money to put in his nook jar. It started out as incentive for eating other things rather than hot dogs, chicken nuggets and fries. He has expanded his horizons and he is eating a VAST variety of foods! To name some of the things he eats now that he never would touch before is: Corn, MUSHROOMS, blueberries, breads, peanut butter and jelly, wraps......That my friends is TREMENDOUS growth! He actually eats pretty much anything unless it is covered in bbq sauce, grilled chicken or green. but we are working on that as well! :) He's getting big folks!

I am doing really well. Im continuing to lose weight. I need to start putting an exercise plan into play because i need to "put things back where they came from" if you catch my drift. After ballooning for having 2 kids and always struggling with weight gain, skin just isnt where it should be in some places. Just hoping that i find an exercise plan that helps me tighten up! Emotionally i am holding up, really well i would say. physically as well. Single parenting is no joke so for all you single parents that do this year after year, you are amazing individuals! its hard work! but REWARDING. SO REWARDING!! i cant tell you how happy and proud i get for the things i see the kids learn and put into action because I tought them it, or I showed them the way. Its very rewarding. And it gives me something to focus on and be proud of. This is my job. and its a full time job, and i am proud of what i am doing, just as i am proud of what brian is doing. When he gets home he is going to see how hard we worked, and we will see how hard he worked and it will all be worth it.

Well that is all for now. Sorry if its a little hodge podged and here and there, but im trying to play trucks, listen to slade and type this all in the same time frame!

I hope you all have a great coming week!

Many Thoughts

so this week is a big week. It marks a month of me being in Michigan. It marks a month of brian being gone. So this means, its been a month since I have seen my dear friends Lindsy & Erin, and my beloved Virginia Beach. Gosh do I miss those girls. Erin was my down the street neighbor in housing. She and I get Along amazingly well and it feels like we have known eachother for a really long time, when really its only been 7 months. She and I would exchange eggs, food coloring, fans, and cork screws, whatever else we needed, we lent eachother. Most of all she was a very good "listening ear". She doesnt judge, she just listens. Lindsy is my fellow deployment wife. Our husbands work together and we get along great. We mesh well and have a lot of the same qualities. Our sons are close buddies!! We are going through this deployment together. We're bonded. And i think VERY highly of her. I miss Virginia beach too. I love it there. Even though I am enjoying Having my parents being an ear shot away.... I still miss virginia beach, Big time! Sladen told me a few days ago that its taking to long to move back to virginia beach. He loves being around my parents, and loves seeing them everyday, but what i think he wants to be in virginia beach most for, is that he knows when we move back, daddy will be there shortly after.

The paper ring chain that we are making brian is getting longer. means more days are passing by. Sladen really enjoys the part of the day that we get to write what we did that day on that little piece of paper that we fold into a ring and add to the chain. He gets REALLY excited to do it. He tells daddy his most important parts of the day. and always says he misses him and loves him. Not a nap or bed time goes passed that slade doesnt fall asleep with brians pictures, or jo by his side for comfort. its amazing that thousands of miles away, brian still brings comfort to his little boy.

im learning more about myself as the time eases by. Im learning that im not such a wimp when it comes to being home alone at night time. Im learning that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. Im learning true passion and pride for my husband and the military. Im learning patience. Im growing as a person, a mother, a wife, and a friend/daughter. Im learning more about who true people are in my life, and im trying to take as much in of this journey as I can.

Sis is growing rapidly. She is off of formula completely, and she is weened out of her woombie. She is nearly 11 months old now and learning how to stand freely and walk holding my hand. She is learning her vocals and talking all the time. She cleans up toys and does tasks when she is prompted too. Slade was NEVER that way. Its amazing how different but very similar those two are. Sladen is turning into a big boy. he is amazingly independent and understands more than i ever thought he would at this age. He is so smart, and caring. He has the manors that i couldnt be prouder for. He's a little man in the making. A little GENTLE man!

Brian is doing good. his spirits have raised a great amount in the last couple weeks. He made it up a rank and i couldnt be prouder of him. and I know he is proud of himself, as he should be.

Well, that is it for now.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Deeper Meaning of Love

A month ago, if you asked me how I would Feel on this particular day, I would not have known how to answer you. But today I can say that I am becoming more independent as the days go on. More of an authority figure for the up bringing of my children. A shoulder for Sladen to lean on and a Crutch for Kendal to learn how to grow. A lot can happen in a month as we are learning. Our feelings grow, and we ourselves grow. We are understanding the deeper meaning of what deployment is all about, other than missing "our daddy".

My feelings and love grow stronger for Brian by every email he sends me. Every time I hear his voice I get butterflies in my stomach. And every time we skype, i just want to leap through that computer screen.  We have a deeper understanding of one another. A deeper level of pride and commitment for one another. Our words have more meaning than they used to. And we hang on to that last "i love you", until the next time we get the opportunity to hear it. There's no time wasted on arguing because what is the point? Yes we still get frustrated, but it doesnt linger, because there is no point in wasting the small amount of time we do get to talk, on something that doesn't matter anyways. You have to pick and choose wisely on what you say to one another, write, or type for that matter.

We got this link from the ombudsman via the chaplain before brian left. it was for the 40 day Love Dare. As seen on fireproof, the movie. We talked about doing it before he left, it was strongly encouraged. Not to fix a marriage per say, but not to get caught up in the deployment factor and stresses that deployment brings upon us, but to remain connected and bonded on a more intimate level. pick and chose what we say to one another.

At first I thought it was a tad cheesy that He wanted to do this, but he wanted to so I was all for it. Every day I send him the new dare for the day, and we both do it. And in only 8 days of putting in on this love dare, i have seen a tremendous change in our emails. Stronger bonds have formed, and we are understanding the "deeper meaning of love". And i have to say Im excited to see the differences we have made by day 40!

Thats all the time that i have folks. Sis is being very demanding due to this heat. i will write again soon.

The third Week.

Good morning!

Today Three weeks ago, I dropped brian off at the pier. Awaiting the dreaded deployment. But its been Three weeks to learn, grow, and long with and for someone. I feel that the time is traveling by pretty fast. And it is also setting in whole heartedly that i truely have a long time until he is back with our family. But if i let myself get caught up in the time aspect it would just be stupid. So i just focus on the ending; because it will not last forever! What i LOVE about this process, and what i was looking forward to the most, is growing the relationship. You learn so much about who you are as a person without your right hand man. You learn how much you can do on your own. You grow pride, as they grow pride for you. Little milestones are huge and exciting to report back. flames and sparks are rekindled. The butterflies re-appear, and the ear to ear grin is prominent on all phone calls & skype, and most emails read. ITs a great feeling to be SO in love with someone. But knowing the feeling is mutual is more than amazing. I feel fortunate to have such an amazing husband and father to my children. He writes every chance he gets, he calls every chance he gets (which probably wont be so good when we see the bill...) and this past weekend we got to see him skype in twice. WOW was it amazing. I wanted to just squeeze him through the camera. He looks the same im guessing, but he's hot to me again because not seeing his face everyday you arent used to "looking" at him, so seeing him is a BIG treat!

Skype is amazing. amazing is apparently my new favorite word. Anyways, the kids just melted over their daddy. Sladen was hogging the camera. Brian kept telling him "bud, you have to back up so i can see all of you." he would back up of a second then work his way back up there. But he was just excited for his daddy. Sis has grown alot and brian was amazed. Seeing his smile as he was watching the kids was a great thing! I dont know what i would do if we didnt have modern technology to keep us going!! Im not going to keep typing about this subject because it tends to bore people. But just know that we got alot of contact with brian this passed weekend and it was great for all of us. Just what our spirits needed!

Memorial weekend went well. I put together my first charcoal grill yesterday. You forget about the stuff that you have to do when you dont have a husband around to help. but i put it together and it withstood its first bbq! i was pretty proud! First of many things to come.  We had a princess birthday party for my mom. I had told slade that "nan's" birthday was coming and he said that she had to have a birthday party; well of course!! It was decked out with princess plates, cups, table clothes, and even princess party hats. Mom was topped with a birthday crown and purple cakes! it was a very fun time. And mom was a good sport. Everyone obeyed slade when he told us we had to wear our party hats. Even papa!

Its finally warming up here in michigan. today is supossed to be pretty darn hot. without an AC unit, hot is a scary word. YUCK! but we will try to stay cool.

So far everything is going good. time is going by fast, and we are starting to get our lives back together without daddy.

That is all for now. short & sweet.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

So this is how it is?!

Hello to my readers!

its been a minute since i have last blogged, and a lot has changed in my life. Since i wrote last , I have welcomed my grandmother in law, packed up my house, said "i will see you soon" to my best friend, drove 4 states away, and moved into a new house! Plus a lot of other things in between.

I must say that i am doing very well. although i miss my husband terribly, i dont look on any other side except the plus side, the cherry on the top, the bright side, which i like to call... HOMECOMING! That day is going to come faster than you can say "poof"....well okay i guess not THAT fast, but the time is already going by fast! I have alot to keep me occupied, and i have 3 emails a day that keep me going. I just look forward to those 3 times of bliss as I read his words.

Im very proud of how i am doing. I dont pout. there is no reason too. Pouting doesnt bring him home! I did get to a point where i cried as my whole body fought against it. Im only human. And as someone once had told me, "your darkest hour is only 60 minutes.". Pretty wise words from a special, very special woman. I was under a mass amount of stress. Changing all the bills over, packing my whole house into storage and my car. Moving hundreds of miles without my husband, DRIVING the whole way! (ive never drove longer than a couple of hours on my own). getting lost in the ghetto of norfolk, twice, getting lost in DC TRAFFIC, finally getting to our new resting place only to encounter more stress. It has evened out though finally. I feel the pressure released. I feel at ease. Now i take comfort in knowing its only a  short time before he is back in my arms. Not only did i have to say "i will see you soon" to my bestfriend, my amazing husband, but my wonderful friends in virginia beach as well. I have begun the search for our new place in virginia beach when it is time to move back, and its very exciting! I very much miss virginia beach very much already! Im enjoying my time here, but i miss it, im not going to lie.

Well im not going to go into a lot of detail over brian being gone. Just know he is safe, and he is doing well. He writes me daily and ive gotten 3 phone calls already. Its amazing to hear his voice. The kids LOVE to hear from their daddy. Sladen is doing really really extremely well with daddy being gone. But he has had emotional nights where he cries because he misses daddy so much. BUT we printed him photo's of daddy and he snuggles them and falls to sleep with them. We are going to buy him a pillowcase with daddy's picture on it. Last night sladen woke me up at 2:30 in the morning he says sternly to me " MOMMY!! I CANT FIND DADDY!!!" he turns around walks back to his bed, climbs up, waits for me to tuck him in, then it was my job to search for daddy (a picture). I found daddy and as soon as i gave it to slade, he closed his eyes and held it tight. he's one amazing little boy! I point to brians picture OFTEN every day for sis. I say "sissy, whos that?!" she replies with a huge smile on her face.. "dada!".

Right now sladen is with his nan and papa. Im not sure who is enjoying us being in michigan more....them or slade! he sure loves knowing that nan and papa are right down the road! and i dont mean that in loose terms, they really are JUST down the road. I take comfort in that as well. If you know me well enough...you know i hate being alone. BUT i think i am doing good. I have no choice. i am being strong for my kids. I take comfort in knowing how comfortable they are with me. When i was little, when i would fall asleep, i would thank god that i had my parents down stairs looking out for me. and i hope that slade feels that same way.

I have alot planned for this time being in michigan. so we are goign to remain busy.

I think that is all for now. Im looking out the window enjoying hearing and smelling this rain thats coming down. Its peaceful in the house. no other sounds but the rain pitter patters, and the light roll of the thunder. Sissy is sound asleep, and i am just relishing in this moment. taking it all in.

I love you  all very much. thank you for your support.

xoxo