Finding Myself.

Lately I havent been very motivated. I have been very lazy, and its almost embarrassing. Not almost-- Completely embarrassing. I am doing things that arent inside my character at all. For instance, leaving messes until i feel like getting to them, later that day, or even the next day! Not doing dishes until they stack up. Not mopping the floors weekly, not doing any weekly or daily chores. Its very embarrasing when people just stop by... because my house isnt presentable. I have never been like that, Nor do i want to be like that. I always have floors mopped, and vacuumed. Dishes are done and put away. Toilets are clean, showers are clean, everything tidied up...So why am i not doing that anymore?... I Dont feel like myself, and I feel a bit lost. I havent even been doing my make-up or caring what i wear. But Today while i forced myself to mop the floors on my hands and knees, I came to the realization that over the process of caring for the kids and brian during deployment, i have lost who i am, and Instead of trying to figure it out and make myself do things, I have just let go on my duties and taking care of myself, and focused more on the kids. They are always dressed. they are always clean. They have food and their needs are met, but why arent mine? Why am I letting myself go and what i take pride most in (my house) when that should be  what is most important?

Trying to figure out who to be or who you are without your other half is not easy. I find myself not having anyone to impress so why even care? Why have the house clean because there isnt anyone to come home to see it?! That isnt how my brain functions on a normal every day basis, so why am i letting it over power me?  Why am I letting laziness and moppiness get the best of me? I need my old self back, and i realized that its not just going to miraculously find me once brian gets home, I need to remain that person so I dont fall behind and become someone I am not. I need to take hold of who i used to be.

I will be the first to admit im not the same as i was before he left. I try to be, but Im not. I let him being gone get the best of me, but Im done with that. I need to move on in my brain and not focus on him not being around to impress. I need to impress myself...and do things to make myself proud.  I have let the stress go. I have let the anger go. I have let the insecurities and mindlessness go, because that is what is best. I need to focus on who I am and not worry about who i am becoming. This is not me. This lazy person is not me. I need to grab ahold of who I really am and take it back because i didnt like what i was seeing. Im not a person who lets their house smell. I am not a person who doesnt do dishes at night. Im not a person who lets a ring be visible in the toilet bowl-- So why was I letting that "person" over come me? why was I not caring? WHo knows, but now i realize, now i am aware, so now things change back to how they used to be!

I know this might sound cheesy to some people reading this. But you have to remember, that this blog is for jotting down what is in my brain and letting people read it. Its not always going to make sense to everyone. But it makes sense to me so thats what matters.

Sooner than Later!

Hi to you all!

Another week is gone, and i didnt accomplish too much. But what did get accomplished, is that i touched base with several friends that i NEEDED to hear from, housing got approved, and moving date is confirmed!

I have a bright start for my weekend to start out awesomely! Actually It was a friend filled week. I had a playdate with my friend Jaclyn & her 2 children, met my friend heather & her daughter for a picnic at the park, I chatted with Erin & Lindsy on the phone for the first time (other than Fb &Texts), then my friend heather had a sleepover last night. It was great to have company and hear friendly voices. You dont realize how much you miss the people you care about until you hear from them. It was very refreshing to hear those voices. Friends, when you have great ones, are as good as family, and thats heartwarming. I of course have great friends outside of the ones above mentioned, but this week was just so refreshing. Just when i feel all is getting on track, I get sucked back into reality. 

Housing called yesterday. We got into The same military housing we were in before, and THE SAME COURT! can you believe it? I couldnt believe that there was a house available on the court where we know our neighbors.... I feel we got sort of lucky. However it ISNT an end unit, but thats okay, because its a 4 bedroom so that makes up for the window loss! we lose 4 windows.......which means, i am going to have an over abundance of curtains! But i will have a spare bedroom. I have NEVER had a spare bedroom. How exciting! company wont have to take slades room, and slade wont have to crash in our room. Or i can make it into a play room, Oh the possibilities are endless! 

Moving date is relatively soon. Its less than 2 months away. That really leaves no time for anything. This my friends is very much bitter sweet. Are you ready for the moving date? October 7th is when we pick up the keys in virginia beach (and when i say we, i mean the kids and I, some of you thought brian was going to be there for this, he wont, not for months after we move back in). So that means we have to leave atleast a day prior. Our original plan was to move back around a month before brian got home, but when our housing came up that kind of shot the old plan to hell, so you just have to roll with the punches. so our stay here is cut off over a month early. Leaving me speechless as too how quick the time is actually moving. 2 months is essentially no time at all, so i have to get my ass moving. I need to get "shit"done. 

This morning has consisted of me inquiring for quotes of moving companies.I have never used a moving company, and it will be coming out of our pocket, but so would all the gas and tolls and food/ hotels and all of that. Im trying to weigh my options and really look at all aspects across the board and what works best and easiest for me and the kids. Its not an easy task to think about. Once the plan is in motion and we are on the road will be the easiest part. If i can pack up my life in 2 days, say "see you soon" to my husband/daddy and move 4 states away, get lost 3 times, and do it all in less than 4 days total with two kids and a grandmother-inlaw, i am confident i can move us back; its just hard to think about. 

Its very much bittersweet because this will be slades first Halloween somewhere other than Michigan. We have been away for the last 3 halloweens, but we have come home on leave for him to trick or treat in my old neighborhood and be with family. This year he will be trick or treating in virginia beach. It will be a new memory. It will be sisters first real halloween, and its sad that family will only get to join in by looking at pictures. But I guess thats all in the name of this military game. It comes with perks and lots of bittersweetness. When i first got the call yesterday I was really excited. I was excited to be back with my virginia beach friends and await the home coming of brian. But when it actually hit me that the kids and I will be leaving my parents and friends and family, that was like a "oh wow" moment.....all these things i have been thinking about (moving in a couple months) came rushing at me in a matter of seconds. Its hard to think about leaving your support system. Just when you think you have things in order, and you have a system going, life throws you a curve ball. I guess you just ride it out with a smile on your face! 

So as far as this weekend goes, im going to be seeing my neice and nephew, and having a scentsy party. I am then followed up with slades birthday on thursday, his party on saturday, then labor day weekend is our family reunion. after those 3 weekends it only gives me 4 more weekends before i leave. If that doesnt leave me ghost white in panic, im not sure what does! 

However moving early gives me lots of time to get the house ready for brian to come home. Slade says we have to fill daddy's fish tank and buy him new fishies since daddy had to get rid of his "old babies" (slades words) and apperantly daddy needs a turtle. and daddy if you are reading this, i guess he's going to pick you out some cool fish and a turtle named lou lou he said! I guess we will see. I will keep you all posted, but i think since i was getting lots of questions, this might help clarify some things!

Well i think that is all. I hope you all have a great weekend. 

Where does time go?!

First Off, Hello! 

I cant believe that it is already Mid August! Feels like the kids and I just got here, but we have been here for 3 months. Things i had planned to do while we were here is left undone, and it leaves me speechless as to where the hell the days go!  Time goes so quickly and its gone before you realize. It was just May, and now summer is almost over, and fall is in the air. The kids and I are soon to be packing, before we know it that day will be here! A day that will be very much bitter sweet. I know I have yet to see a lot of you. Seems like im in my own world over here. I know that i keep to myself. Its hard to go for 3 years without anyone around, you just get used to that lifestyle. I know i use that as a crutch or an excuse, i just need to get my ass out and about. 

So this week has been quite the week already. I applied for housing and i have yet to hear back. And My friend Kristin has been keeping an eye out for a good deal on a rental house for us, out in virginia beach.  she found this ad on craigslist. So i emailed and replied to the add. It was a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath, beautiful house in a wonderful neighborhood. One of those "too good to be true" deals. The rent was only 1000 a month (which is amazing for the area)..... so they sent me an email application and right away I was "accepted". without previous rental history and all the bells and whistles. They said they were sending the keys to me within 24 hours and they were ready to give me the information to send my first months rent and deposit. RED FLAG! first of all i hadnt seen the place, they havent done a background check or anything like that, it just was VERY fishy. I've never known a landlord to rent a house without atleast meeting the persons first. And you dont pay until you sign the lease. So i went with my gut and wrote them back and told them a lie of "we found a place, we just got confirmation today"..... please disreguard all previous information given. I havent heard back from them since, and it just didnt sit well with me. SO i did some searching. Their craigslist post had been flagged already, so it was a SCAM. they were going to take all my money. good thing my gut told me not to go through with anything. I cut it off in time. I could be broke right now. Broker than i already Am...hahaa. Goes to show how being nieve can get you in some fishy situations. SO, no more craigslisting for me. well for houses anyways ;).

Can you believe that my oldest baby is going to be 4 in 8 days?! Great balls of fire!!! It seems like i was just holding him while he cooed and nibbled on his bottle. How can he already be 4? Hes turing into a little man and his looks are changing Immensely. He's finally getting some height..... phew! He's been going through this phase that he thinks its a good thing to growl at me when he's mad. Um nope, not going to Fly Mr! Find a different outlet other than growling! 

Keni is growing big. Shes a little barney. I couldnt have more complete opposite children. Slades so laid back, where as keni is uptight. Slade is mild manored, where keni is outspoken (yes even at 1). Slade has patience (for the most part) Keni, Not a chance, what the hell is patience?! Slade is small and meek, keni is beefy and tough. The rougher you play with her, the more she laughs. They fight a lot, and keni will wrestle the hell out of sladen. She does things she knows will piss slade off, just to get a rise out of him. Yes, i have my hands full, i cringe thinking of teen years. 

This weekend is my scentsy party. It is 11 am - 2 pm. its an open house so its come and go as you please. I will have some snacks and it will be a great time.

The following weekend is slades "rawring 4th birthday party!"..... its at the county park, there will be swimming, playing at the play ground, cake of course, a pinatta at his request, its going to be a really great time. Im looking forward to it. He sure deserves a special day. He's been great since brian has been gone. He listens to his daddy and he is the "man of the house". He helps momma when he can. Doesnt mean he hasnt given me a run for my money with his attitude, but we are all trying to cope and deal. I say we are doing pretty darn good. 

This expirience is really making me grow. Ive felt myself evolve a little bit. When brians around, i tend to lean on him, i become less independent and more dependent. When something needs fixed, or slade needs something built or put together, the words "just wait until your daddy comes home, he will help you" just blurt out of my mouth, where as here,  its all momma. I have proudly built 3 rescue machines out of legos (with directions)! I have attempted however I couldnt complete, the transformer, but  i gave it my best shot! I have done alot that makes me step back and say to myself "go you!". I think when you are in a marriage and parenting you kind of lose yourself and you kind of morph together. Its a bit of a shock at first to be seperated, but now i see the things i could have done before. SUch as outtings. I would wait to take the kids somewhere so that i would have brian there not only to "do things as a family" but to have an extra set of hands. Now i just go. not because i have no choice, but because i want to. its very empowering. Im finding myself, and i am loving what and who i am seeing. Im not the only one who is changing, Brian is changing as well. He has always been and amazing man, flawed (as we all are), but amazing.... but even more so now. He is taking this time away from the kids and I, and he is using every tool to reflect and remain close to us. He is reading books to better us and keep us strong, he is taking classes and going to church!  Im So proud of him and the decisions he is making. He is no longer looking out for just himself, hes looking out for US. We've made a lot of mistakes in the past, but we are living from them, and to watch him give up his dream of becoming a commercial pilot, to help me have my own career brings me to tears. Is it only for me? No, of course not. But was he thinking of me when he made that decision? Of course.And that is one of many ways he truely is amazing. Many of you know brian very well, be proud of him, be very proud of him because he is simply amazing. He is a wonderful Man and father. 

Well that is all for now. I have two fighting kids on my hands. both of which are wearing tutu's and riding cars.

Have a wonderful rest of the week and weekend! 

Every Now and Again

Well good morning!

We have accomplished another week, and the weekend is here to stay! This week has been a hard week for me. I have been nose to nose with an almost 4 year old who is missing his daddy tremendously. Missing daddy on and off for all 3 of us has been tough but this week it hit us like a brick wall. I have yet to hear this many " i really miss daddy," "deployment is taking too long", "i dont like this house", "mommy, im really sad", and more comments. It seems like this week, they are non stop. normally its hit or miss, maybe 2 nights a week I would hear it. I have heard that month 3 is the hardest, and things are proving to be true. Tuesday and Wednesday, mainly tuesday, put me to the test. Slade tested my emotions almost to the point of no return. I felt helpless. I miss my husband tremendously, but i have overcome that feeling, but i am pained by my sons heartbreak at the need to lash out in order to "be heard" about missing daddy. For being so young, sladen is really good at telling me his feelings. The little bugger wears his heart on his sleeve, and majority of me is so proud to instill that into him. I dont feel the need for slade to have a "Tough skin". He is able to show his emotions and tell them to me as well. But i dont find smiling at me while he is getting yelled at, kicking his sister in the face, and deliberately disobeying counts as an outlet, and this week has tested the patience of both of us in that aspect. I saught help from a professional--My mother.

As i was faced with bills coming in, accounts dwindling, defiant toddler, teething baby, day to day tasks and favors, i found myself at the height of a mental breakdown. I called my mom in tears. I couldnt take holding it in and being strong, everyone has those days. and tuesday was mine. At the dinner table on Tuesday, slade was up and down, "mommy i have to pee", gagging his food, throwing it on the floor, not listening, sissy is throwing down her food, not eating, i found myself on the floor, sobbing, while cleaning up bits of stuffing and ham with a dish rag, when all of a sudden, my mom pulled in. she saved me. She helped me get the kids fed, bathed and ready for bed. All i needed was a little help. and Im always too stubborn to ask. I bottle up all these emotions and keep them locked away, in fear that people see me at my weakest. I am so bold faced and strong, but i do have those times where showing my emotion, and showing my weakness, makes me so vulnerable and i feel like a failure on all levels of the spectrum. but i needed that saving grace. that saving grace fixed my week.

The rest of the week, and teaching slade lessons like-- kicking Kendal in the face while im packing a picnic, results in NO picnic. Or leaving library books on the ground while i am buckling sissy in and mommy didnt know they were left, leads him to going to the library after the librarian calls the house, he apologizes and gets 2 weeks of no library (from mommy) to result in the learning process. Soap in the mouth for laughing while getting in trouble, and toys thrown away when they arent where they should be after being asked many times. these are my new ways.

Slade gets my sympathy with the missing daddy. I get it. I fully understand and I am aware. But to what extent am I willing to sacrifice all our hard work and dedication in aligning this child with great manors and a bright light? He needs to know that enough is enough, and it isnt okay to act this way. But it IS okay to miss his daddy, it IS okay to feel sad and hurt that daddy left, but it ISNT okay to treat mommy and sissy badly. He is learning, and it is a hard process but we are getting there. We have come this far, we are just waiting for the downhill run.

Walking Tall

Hello everyone!

Well its official. Sister took her first 3-4 steps on saturday, a couple more on monday, about a 100 or more yesterday, and this morning she's starting to cruise around. When i first realized she was walking yesterday, i saw her out of the corner of my eye. It was while slade was napping. I had the rocking chair in the middle of the living room floor because when sissy wakes up from her nap, we rock until shes "ready" to be awake. Well i was sitting on the couch finding something on TV, while i seen movement out of the corner of my eye. she was trying to walk around the rocking chair without her normal "walking along" the chair. She was so sturdy, and so sure of herself. She kept coming, slowly but surely with her arms and hands out as if she were going to grab me when she got here! she finally got to me. I picked her up and we clapped and yayed and i was so proud of her.  I immediately got out the camera, planted myself on the other side of the room to try and capture it for her daddy. "Sissy, come here big girl"....and she came. That poor guy missed slades first steps, and he's missed hers, so the best i can do for him is to tape it one of the first times she has done it. so the 4th official time she walked to me, as i taped her in entirety for her daddy. He gets to see it. Im excited for him. I know he'll love it.

Well last week as you all know, slade went to vacation bible school. He absolutely LOVED IT! he loved his teacher, he loved his new friends, he loved the church and the congregation, he just loved everything about it. I went to his closing program last friday, and the way he lights up when he's in that church is amazing. He's proud and he's sure of himself. It only proves that he is ready for preschool in the fall, and i thought i would never say this, but i am ready for him to go. He's so smart, and so bright. He deserves to explore and enjoy in learning, and i am sure that is just what he is going to do. He is going to soak it all in and be a toddler genius and make his daddy so proud when he gets home! SO PROUD!

Time is moving a long and we are enjoying ourselves out here. i Cant believe its almost august already. Its already been a long time since I have laid actual eyes on my husband. So much has changed with the kids, and with me, but when he sees us again, all of this growing and changing is going to be so worth it. He is going to be in awe at the kids, and that is something that i cannot wait to see.

Slade is getting really impatient. Last night as we laid on the floor watching elf before it was his bedtime he said to me "mommy i dont like it here." I said "what do you mean bud?" he says "i dont like this house." i said "what do you want to do then?" he said " i want to move back to virginia beach". i replied with "i know you do bud, and so does mommy, but we have to be patient and that time will come". he said "i love you mommy" and gave me a kiss. he's so sweet. He only wants to move back because he knows that when we move back, daddy will be close to be coming home. so he's just a bit impatient with the process. He is doing extremely well though, but we all have our moments.

I think that is all for now. I hope you all have a great rest of the week and i will write again soon.

In a blink Of an eye!

Good morning!

Well sissy is growing so fast, and as much as i would like time to slow down so i can watch her learn and develop more closely, I am just cruising along with the ride, because the faster this time goes by, the faster daddy can watch the growth and development in both of our children, right along side me!

Kendal is getting in her 14th and 15th teeth right now. She is a bear when she is breaking teeth through but who could blame her? I can only imagine what that feels like when your gums swell and a foreign object is slicing through. I feel for her, but its not necessarily easy on the rest of us either! She is a teething machine lately, and in the last month she has gotten in a total of 6th teeth. Once we get a break from one set popping through, the next ones start; and yes, that is the process. Sleepless  nights aren't uncommon to this momma- not as of lately.

I have to say that she is quite the trooper through the whole teething ordeal, i admit, she could be worse, but as if her attitude was not bad enough on a daily basis, increase that by popping teeth into the mix. She is even more slap happy, and vocal. Not to mention sleep deprived. But you have to hand it to her, she's an amazing little girl.

She has started climbing on all the furniture, and using her own recliner. She sits so full of pride, like "yeah, i got up here, so what?!" She has started picking her own books at the library and tries to sit still as I read them- This is still a learning process, as she is a woman and she can't sit still too long! She has developed a hate for bows on her head, thus why you all havent seen pictures of her with headbands on lately. She developed a new found love of toilet paper, and sneaks in the bathroom every chance she gets to unravel that lovely white stuff. She is learning so fast, and understanding so much. She understands if i tell her to sit down, or stand. she waves on command (most of the time), she says hi and bye bye. Daddy is one of her favorite words, but she also says papa, nannie, bert, bubby, doll, yeah, bath, milk (obviously she cant speak that clear, but im not taking the type to type "baby talk".) or you can just think she is that brilliant, i can let you think that way ;) Anyways, her vocabulary is growing and so is she. She is totally in 18 month clothes, and most 24 months fit. Currently she is wearing 24 month PJ's and they fit perfectly. She's a big healthy girl! She's a bruiser too, youre not going to want to mess with this girl, she'll thump ya! Daddy said the other day that he doesnt know who is going to get the dirtbike first! I say slade might get the dirtbike first, but who will be the first to try it out? more than likely, SIS.

Slade is getting so independent. he's always been that way, but momma holds the reins tighter than i should. Im trying to loosen up a bit. He's my biggest baby, and its hard to let him go. BUT he's been going to vacation bible school all week and hes been doing amazing. He's making new friends and Ive seen the improvement in the way he acts. He's so proud of himself, and he's so sure of himself, and that is amazing to see. Dropping him off he gets so excited to stay, then when my mom drops him off after picking him up, he has such light in his eyes! he has a great time. He's learned new songs, which is awesome.  I cant wait to see him tonight at the family picnic. I will probably be smiling ear to ear the entire time. yes, i am that mom.

Slade is getting taller. He is a runt for his age, but ive seen him grow so much lately. Its his new eating habits. he's been eating so much veggies and fruits, carbs, stuff his body needs he's been eating. Thanks to that wonderful NOOK jar! He's up to 30 some dollars! he thinks he's rich! Hopefully by the time daddy gets home he will have almost enough and that will be something that they can go do together, purchase slades nook! It will probably take him longer than a couple of months to save that much, but we will see!

We have gone to the library 3 times this week already. Its been nice to go. kids love to get home and read all the books. learn new things. I love to read to them! And to see their smiles when they like a book, or see the smiles when they pick out their books, its really nice to see. I like the little, finer things in life. The unexpected smiles of learning is what makes me happiest. I have smart little farts. I think they get that from their daddy, but dont tell him i told you that.






Well i believe thats enough bragging for now. I will write again soon. Enjoy your weekend everyone. I know that i will!

Wearing Thin

Hey everyone.

The passed two days, have been trying, a test of how strong I really am. I think  that i have been dealing with this deployment rather well. I have no choice in the matter so i just push forward, knowing that we are one day closer. However, i have heard from brian in an email, every day since he left 74 days ago. I haven't heard from him in 2 days and its been the hardest 2 days of deployment. We dont know how lucky we are with having communication until we no longer have it. We take the little things for granted. I can promise you, i will value and cherish every single word on every email I recieve from here on out.

Emails are my hugs. My kisses, My good nights. They are what let me know he is safe, and thinking about me and the kids as much as we are thinking about them. They relay are days. They put smiles on our faces, without them, you find yourself a little more emotional and a little more stressed. You find yourself checking your email more than double the normal. I know that i am fortunate that i hear from my husband daily, but it still doesnt matter, without any communication that void is there. that absence is truely felt. you have no link between the two of us. Its gut wrenching.

I have yet to feel that pain. that ache that goes deep into your heart. of missing your husband. of course i miss him but i know its only temporary. I have yet to feel "alone". but it hit me, last night, and even more so today. It hurts. I miss my best friend. I miss my husband. I know that this whining wont bring him home, and i realize this, but we wives that are going through this right now, or have gone through it in the past or will go through it in the future know what this feeling is really about.

So hug your husbands tight. Tell them how much you love them, take in every kiss you get, because there are some of us out there that dont get that, and miss that, and look forward to having that back again someday soon.